Adventures in Dating and Self Discovery

I'm back in the world of dating. This is a world mostly reviled by single people as being torturous, but I'm not so firmly in that camp. Mostly I find it interesting, occasionally awkward, and very educational.

At least that's how I'm attempting to view my blind date last Friday night.

Before getting into the details, I should share a few about myself that will set the stage a bit. I'm 42, have never been married and have no children. I own my home, and have an executive position where I work. I've held a so-called executive position before, but it was mostly for the vanity of the company that just about everyone, excepting maybe the janitorial staff, were given the title of Vice President. My present job is not that. This time, I've been given the title along with all of the accountability and work hours appropriate to that title. Luckily, I passionately love my job.

I've never tried to avoid marriage, am not opposed to it in principle, and would gladly enter into that union with the right person. From that statement, you might conclude that I'm picky, and you would be right. When you love your life, you do tend to get picky about people applying for permanent membership to your lifestyle. But I have been in a variety of relationships, from long term unions to what a friend of mine referred to as "delightful dalliances", and none of them have been inconsequential.

So I was a little taken aback on Friday when my date asked me if I thought that I was commitment-phobic, and still more surprised when he asked if I believed I was avoiding marriage as an attempt to avoid becoming a grown up.

Wait a minute - isn't this a confusion of the stereotypes? Aren't I supposed to be asking him these questions? In a shrill and accusatory voice?

Life is unsurprisingly full of surprises.

I didn't have much of an answer for my date in the moment, beyond a shocked expression and the oh-so-articulate response of "uh, no." But, after a bit of reflection, I believe I have one now.

The simplest answer is that I just don't measure the success of my life by traditional symbols, and don't have any plans to change that. Yes, my last relationship ended in a proposal of marriage, and I could have said yes. But would that have been any real accomplishment? Would I experience any personal satisfaction years from now by being able to say, "I've been married for 25 years to a man who only proposed to keep me from walking out, and we've been suffering together ever since."

Good lord - and imagine if I had brought children into that joyous union. My trophy, their burden. Would it prove my worthiness?

Yes, I've had the corporate job with the six figure income and the excessive air travel. But was it really a triumph to be able to claim an empty title in a company with no leadership and less integrity? Should I have stayed so that I could claim the symbols of adulthood supposedly inherent in that kind of career advancement?

My proudest accomplishments are that I'm happy and satisfied. I discovered this in the answers to my date's questions, and that alone made the evening worth it. I don't mind that he asked the questions - my strong suspicion is that he was only expressing out loud what he may have been asking himself for some time.

I truly hope he finds the answers. In the meantime, I'm off to my next opportunity for self discovery.

I just hope that the next one comes with a little more action. ;-)